Based off of the incredibly brilliant “Movie in 15 minutes” by Cleolinda
This is an Outline, not a serious review, meant for parody and humor purposes only.
Originally posted in another journal, Apr. 10th, 2006 at 2:24 PM
Other Outlines can be found here
TheXenogenesis/Lilith’s Brood trilogy took me a while to really get into. I thinkthe main reason was that the cover art of the first edition of Dawn has poorLilith looking like a white woman instead of a black woman. I also didn’tentirely agree with the gender dynamics as presented by the author. Another problem was that Butler tried veryhard to keep from having the setting be a specific time period, so there wereabsolutely no pop/cultural indicators (in other words, no one is making sf geekjokes about BEMs, no one missed certain favorite fast food franchises, moviesor books). The trilogy grew on me as I read more of Butler’s other books, untilthey became my favorites. (It helps that post-apocalyptic novels have alwaysbeen a favorite of mine.)
EARTH: *Mushroom clouds OMG* MAD, yo.
OTHER OANKALI: *Horny*
OOLOI: Look at the pretty cancer cells omglol! *pokeprod*
JDAHYA: Wakey wakey Lilith!
LILITH: *Fay Wray scream*
JDAHYA: Is that any way to treat your future father in law?
NIKI-CHAN: *chibi bounce* You’re so pretty, stay with me forever?
LILITH: *sweat drop*
KAGUYAHT: Worst. Inlaw. Ever.
LILITH: *Is Linda Hamilton*
HUMANS: OMG TENTACLE RAPE OMG
LILITH: *Is still Linda Hamilton*
NIKI-CHAN: *woobie eyes*
NIKI-CHAN, AHAJAS, and DICHAAN: PWNED!!
JOSEPH SHING: I love me a strong woman *is Wash*
LILITH: *Is so Zoe*
NIKI-CHAN: Tentacle Pr0n!
LILITH AND JOE: *sweat drop*
OANKALI: *Pheromone orgy!*
HUMANS: *sweat drop*
OANKALI: We want to have your sex!
HUMANS: *drugged* Okay!
COYOTE UGLY HUMANS: AUGH!
JOSEPH SHING: *dies* I told you he was Wash.
LILITH: *is very Zoe*
DICHAAN and AHAJAS: *chibi flail* Lili-chan, Nikanj-san is hurt only you can help him! *chibi-flail*
LILITH: If you die too I’m going to KILL you OMG!
NIKANJ: *is healed by the power of lurve and Lilith’s pretty genetic tendency to cancer*
AKIN: Hi! My name is possibly a pun in two languages!
TINO: I want a family, even though my kids will look like something from a B-Movie
LILITH: *blush* You’re kinda cute.
TINO: You’re kinda gorgeous *flirt*
AKIN: I’m precocious whee! Are you going to have sex with Mom?
TINO: *chibi flail* Kid, don’t say things like that! *flail*
MARRIED HUMANS: *laugh at him*
MARRIED OANKALI: *amused*
LILITH: *sweat drop*
TINO: Okay, why do you people live in thatch huts when you’re supposed to be super powerful aliens?
LILITH: *sweat drop* Um. Tino sweetie? The town? Is a baby space ship.
TINO: Oh. *looks down at “dirt” floor. Looks up at glowing ceiling.* Whoa. Cool.
NIKANJ, AHAJAS and DICHAAN: Helloooo sailor!
LILITH: *nervous* Um, are you okay with group sex?
NIKANJ: *chibi bounce* YAY, Tino-chan! *glomps*
TINO: *is happy*
LILITH: *is happy*
AKIN: *is happy*
HUMAN RESISTERS: *Are post apocalyptic road warriors omg*
LILITH: *is Linda Hamilton again*
HUMAN RESISTERS: *steal Half-Oankali kids and sell them because they are post apocalyptic road warriors omg*
AKIN: *is kidnapped* EEEK!
HUMAN RESISTERS: *sell AKIN to town TINO comes from.*
OANKALI: *sit on their tentacles much to the frustration of LILITH and TINO*
PHOENIX: Ironic name yo, for the resisters are sterile without Oankali lovin’ and they’re all with the rebirth symbolism omg.
AKIN: Meeeep! Help I’m being held prisoner by idiots!
AKIN’S FELLOW PRISONERS: *sigh* You and us brother, you and us.
PHOENIX: We will teach the half alien children how to be humans OMG.
AKIN and CO: Yeah, whatever.
PHOENIX: No, really!
INCREDIBLY STUPID WOMAN: OMG cut off their tentacles OMG, so they will BE HUMAN!
NOT STUPID PEOPLE: OMG, are you NUTS?!
AKIN: That would be like cutting off my fingers and nose, and putting out my eyes!!
INCREDIBLY STUPID WOMAN: Dun judge meeeeeeee You Dun knooow meee!!
OTHER KIDS: Eeeeeeeek!
INCREDIBLY STUPID WOMAN: *snicker-snack went the vorpol scissors*
NOT STUPID PEOPLE: OMG Bi0tch!
OTHER KIDS: Runaway, runaway!
AKIN: *is too damned small* Argh, curse my short legs! *chibi flail*
POSSIBLY NOT STUPID PEOPLE: *put Akin on a leash*
PHOENIX: Are eventually careless/negligent.
AKIN: *is rescued anti-climactically*
LILITH and TINO: *glare at OANKALI* It’s about time thank you very much!
OANKALI: *are enigmatic*
LILITH and TINO: *grumble*
AKIN: *Has an idea* You know, the resisters have a point…
OANKALI: Uh-huh. Go to school, and present your case, kid.
AKIN: *goes to school, talks to people*
OOLOI WHO THINKS HUMANS ARE TEH CRAZY: Humans are dangerous. And crazy, I don’t care HOW pretty their genes are!
AKIN: I think there should be humans who don’t have to trade genes with us.
OWTHATC: *flail* They’ll kill themselves, are you NUTS?!
AKIN: But they might not.
OWTHATC: It’s in their genes! They won’t be able to help themselves, they’ll die!
AKIN: But they might not.
AKIN: If there are Oankali who don’t have to trade, then there should be humans who don’t have to trade. It’s only fair.
OWTHATCH: Okay, point.
OANKALI: WTF? Where would they go?
GHOST of RAY BRADBURY: W00t!
OANKALI: Kid, you’re nuts, but we’ll see what we can do, it won’t be any problem to make Mars livable. YOU get to talk to the humans, though.
LILITH: Yay, I don’t have to feel guilty for Nikanj-loving!
NIKI-CHAN: *chibi flail*
LILITH: *blushing chibi!*
AKIN: *goes to PHOENIX*
PHOENIX: *is now a dump.*
HUMANS: Yay, Akin!
AKIN: Wanna go to MARS?!
HUMAN: OMG, WTF?
AKIN: No, really, you can go to Mars and not have depressingly empty lives!
HUMANS WHO DON’T LIKE AKIN: Liar, omg, burn the BEM, Burn the BEM!
HUMANS WHO LIKE AKIN: STFU!
AKIN: Uh oh.
HUMANS WHO LIKE AKIN: OMG, what’s wrong?!
AKIN: I’m about to hit puberty, could you hang around plz?
HUMANS WHO LIKE AKIN: *keep an eye on him*
HUMANS WHO DON’T LIKE AKIN: OMGWTF
HUMANS WHO LIKE AKIN: STFU, h0rs!
AKIN: *looks very bemlike*
AKIN’S PARENTS: OMGWTF!
AKIN: *sigh* Do you guys still want to go to Mars?
RESISTER HUMANS: HELL YES!
JODAHS: *is v. v. Bishi*
MARS OR BUST HUMANS: *think he’s kind of hot*
JODAHS: You should stay, Mars is really dangerous
MACHO GUY: Dude, quit macking on my girl! *is all manly but is probably secretly attracted to Bishi*
JODAHS: *much later* Okay, I feel kinda weird.*has sexual identity crisis*
NIKANJ: *tiny voice* Oops.
JODAHS: *feels weirder* Um. I was supposed to be a boy.
TINO and LILITH: Nikanj, what did you do to our son?!
NIKANJ: Um. *wibbles* I made him into an ooloi.
TINO: Oh, I’d so kick you ass if you had one! *stomp stomp*
TINO: My son is gay an ooloi! You people said it was too soon to make an ooloi construct, he’s going to be
sent to the ship and turned into a lab rat! ARGH!
NIKANJ: Really, really sorry? *tiny voice* I was really really lonely and I wanted a baby ooloi of my own…
TINO: Asshole.*lets himself be cuddled.*
FAMILY: *group hug!*
JODAHS: *goes through first metamorphosis*
JODAHS: *wakes up emo*
JODAHS: OMG, Angst! *literally having trouble holding self together*
JODAHS: I need mates! HUMAN mates!
FAMILY: Honey, you’re too young, and the humans are too old!
FAMILY: We need to leave town for a while, hopefully JODAHS will be able to get his shit together, and it won’t end up having to go to the ship.
AAOR: Um. I’m gay ooloi too. *emo*
FAMILY: *Chibi! flail.* OMGWTF?!
JODAHS: I’m too sexy for my shirt, I’m too sexy for my shirt. *Humans won’t stay with it.* Love love’s going to leave me.
FAMILY: Maybe it *should* go to the ship?
JODAHS: *Runs away and is emo, slowly devolving into weird shapes.*
JESUSA and TOMAS: *Are on vacation from the inbred freaks episode of the X-files*
TOMAS: *is planning on killing himself, because he’s going blind and is nearly deaf from scary congenital disease.*
JESUSA: *is doing her best to keep her brother from killing himself, though she is likewise sick and DOOMED.*
JODAHS: OMG, sick humans, I must help them!
JESUSA and TOMAS: *Are freaked by JODAHS*
JODAHS: *jumps them*
TOMAS: *doesn’t mind*
JESUSA: *freaks, and then doesn’t mind either.*
JODAHS: Let me help you, stay with me and love me and you’ll be healthy and happy forever and ever?
TOMAS and JESUSA: Umm…but you’re the Anti-Christ?
JODAHS: *pout* Stay with me a little while?
TOMAS and JESUSA: Okay.
JODAHS: *stares* OMG, you’re fertile! And you haven’t been made stronger and longer lived? How is that possible??
TOMAS and JESUSA: *reluctantly tell it about resister village where the only fertile human woman was cross bred with her son, and her daughters with the son and so on, because the resister elders are MORONS and have read too many Shaggy God stories.*
JODAHS: Stay with me at least while I go through second metamorphisis? Because I’m going to be helpless pretty soon, and I wanna go home.
JESUSA and TOMAS: Okay.
JESUSA and TOMAS: *take JODAHS to its home.*
LILITH: Is also worst inlaw ever.
JESUSA and TOMAS: OMGMARRIEDWTF!? *stomp off*
LILITH: *gives advice* Don’t go after them, meet them half way, and let them be angry with you.
JODAHS: *takes advice* Meep? Ireallyloveyouguys?
TOMAS: *is less pissy, but also very macho and possessive of JODAHS* I’d punish you too, but Jesusa is doing a good enough job on her own.
JESUSA: Asshole. *lets self be cuddled*
JODAHS: Meep! *pets sibling*
AAOR: Can I have one of your mates plz?
JODAHS: Talk to the hand, bitch!
AAOR: EMO! *runs away*
FAMILY: Oh god, not again. *facepalm*
AAOR: *Drifts back looking like a mollusc sans shell*
JESUSA and TOMAS: EWWWWWWWWW!!!
NIKANJ: *puts AAOR back together*
AAOR: *Now looks like the thing from the black lagoon.
JODAHS: There but for the grace…*helps AAOR*
JESUSA and TOMAS: Eeewww.
JODAHS: Help me help AAOR?
JESUSA and TOMAS: *help JODAHS* EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
JESUSA: Okay, we’ll help Aaor find mates because it’s committing suicide and suicide is bad and wrong.
TOMAS: Jesusa baby? What we’re doing with Jodahs is wrong according to our village.
AAOR JODAHS TOMAS and JESUSA: *head for the mountains were the inbred hill billies resister village is.*
TOMAS and JESUSA: *look like they did before* Um. Hi, long time no see.
RESISTERS: OMG, where have you been OMG?!
TOMAS and JESUSA: *innocent whistling*
AAOR: *Glomps married couple that is watching for danger omg.* Score!
JODAHS: *Glomps on short guy with different horrific congenital deformity who’s pretty much a hermit*
RESISTERS: *Come to check out lookout couple*
JODAHS: *glomps elder guy.*
ELDER RESISTER GUY1: *freaked yet amenable because JODAHS is teh Sexx0r*
JODAHS: Mars! You don’t have to stay here and make inbred people have more babies!
ELDER RESISTER GUY1: Mars? The planet Mars? Whoa.
ELDER RESISTER GUY1: Sweet. *leaves*
JODAHS and AAOR: *go to rescue TOMAS and JESUSA*
RESISTERS: OMGWTF it’s the DEBBIL.
JODAHS and AAOR: Um. No. Give us our mates and no one gets hurt. *pheromones* Mars, yo!
RESISTERS: EWWW! *are affected by hormones* Or maybe not Ew? They seem really nice for Anti-Christs…
ELDER RESISTER GUY2: Kill the WABBIT, Kill the WAAABIIT! *raises gun*
GUARD GUY: *steps in front of bullet*
JODAHS: OMG! *glomps and heals shot guard.* Mars, you dumbass!
RESISTERS: *glomp shootist* OMGWTF, don’t shoot the messenger fuckwad.
ELDER RESISTER GUY1: We’ll hold them in one of the houses with their mates since our cover’s blown anyway.
JODAHS and AAOR: *Glomp mates*
MATES: Yes, we used to be horribly deformed with tumors that would have resulted in blindness and deafness and being all crippled up, but our Ooloi cured all of that.
JODAHS and AAOR: *happy friendly pheromones* Let us heal you? *wibble*
RESISTERS: *drugged* Okay! *are healed*
ELDER RESISTER GUY1: Oh, we are so fucking pwned. *facepalm*
OANKALI: *show up*
FAMILY: *shows up*
RESISTERS: YAY! (wtf?)
KAGHUYAHT: *Is better grandparent than inlaw*
OANKALI: *hold powwow*
JODAHS and AAOR: We don’t become emo if we get mates really soon, Nikanj didn’t really make a huge mistake, really!
OANKALI: You’re too young! OMG! and other ooloi constructs are going into metamorphisis and it’s happening too fast! *chibi flail*
KAGHUYAHT: *IS WAY better grandparent than inlaw.* They know what they’re doing, STFU.
OANKALI: You’re just saying that because they’re your grand kids.
KAGHUYAHT: *stare* The hell?
OANKALI: *sweatdrop* Okay, yeah, that was a stupid thing to say. *to JODAHS and AAOR* So, where’s the new town going to be?
JODAHS and AAOR: Um? Town?
OANKALI: OMGWTF! You’re about to start a family and you haven’t figured out where you’ll live yet? *grumbles* Kids these days…
JODAHS and AAOR: *sweatdrop*
ELDER RESISTER GUY1: *approaches KAGHUYAHT.* Um, hey. Nice evening isn’t it? *flirts*
KAGHUYAHT: *attracted* How about I introduce you to my mates?
ELDER RESISTER GUY1: I’d love to meet them. *Twinkle* This is my wife.
READER: Not going to Mars, huh?
ELDER RESISTER GUY1: Shut up.
JODAHS: *plants a new town*