Originally posted: Jun. 4th, 2003 at 6:24 PM on lj and baen’s bar
The following is a parody for humor purposes only: it is not an in-depth analysis. For a definition of “Sekrit Rool” go here
This is the one that started it all.
Tongue largely in cheek here, I mock these books because I loved them long ago…
Sekrit Rules of the Horseclans…
1. A hundred years after a large scale nuclear war, there will be no radiation. Nope. None.
2. Massive plagues will wipe out any ethnic group the writer finds inconvenient.
3. All the black people will be Muslim. And either live where Canada used to be or South America. Oh, and the black Canucks? They’ll speak French…
4. The descendants of enviromentalists/hippies will be inbred cannibalistic mutants.
5. In a hundred years there will be really fooking HUGE telepathic mutant animals. No, really.
6. The immortal main character who is largely responsible for creating a nation of scary short murderous nomadic telepaths, and in fact raised their ancestors…is totally incapable of raising an eleven year old child who’s just been molested repeatedly by aforementioned short telepathic murderous nomads.
7. It’s perfectly okay to leave aforementioned eleven year old with the same clan responsible for molesting her.
8. Homosexuality is bad. Incest is perfectly okay though.
a. Except lesbians, which are kind of hot.
i. Though hot sex with a guy will cure them.
ii. which will make their ex girlfriends insane and jealous.
iii. and “cured” girl will never think of keeping girlfriend,
and convincing boytoy to also marry her girlfriend. (since
guy comes from culture where this is allowable.)
b. (Male) Homosexuals are all pederasts.
c. (Male) Homosexuals are also all belonging to the “Elene” (Greek)ethnic
9. On religion: Protestants:degenerate scum. North American Roman Catholics: Suddenly start worshiping swords and killing Bulls in a ritualistic manner. South and Central Am Roman Catholics: No change Greek Orthodox: Will start practicing blood sacrifice, pederasty,usurey and other naughty things.
10. Loving descriptions of swords, armor, weapons, wagons, and methods of shoeing horses or oxen or even branding and castrating slaves is way, way more important than plot or pacing.
11. Torture is the most effective method of getting the truth out of someone, even if you’re a telepath who could simply yank all of the information out of your victim’s head.