Sekrit Rools: The Warlock Novels of Christopher Stasheff

Originally posted: Jul. 24th, 2006 at 10:38 AM on livejournal

The following is a parody for humor purposes only: it is not an in-depth analysis. For a definition of “Sekrit Rool” go here

Once again, I mock because I love them. Actually, I loved the first book, and a couple of the “Warlock with cute cardboard children in tow” books–and that only because The Warlock series is the first sf/fantasy series I’d ever read where The Hero’s Family is also in on the fun and games (No, Edgar Rice Borrough’s Barsoom books DO NOT COUNT, no really, they don’t.) Eventually the uber-captalism and the “all poor people are lazy, all religions that aren’t Catholicism are Weird and Commies are Teh Debbil,” got on my nerves, as did several of the “wimmin are mysterious and conniving critters utterly incomprehensible to red-blooded manly men.” I wasn’t able to read the last five or six because I kept thinking “this is not how women think,” or “So the reason she’s an enemy agent is because she was horribly abused and brainwashed as a child and not because you know, she actually believes in her mission? WTF?”

1. Spanking a woman for kinky reasons is bad. Spanking a  woman for being a “brat” is good.

2. Male enemy agents are allowed to believe in what they’re fighting for (in the first book, anyway) female enemy agents are fatal femmes with damaged psyches.

3. a. Sekrit plans to render The Hero’s Kids incapable of having children themselves will involve making them misogynists/andrists or misanthropic instead of simply sterilizing them. But it’s the far future, maybe women who dislike men or men who dislike women are incapable of reproduction?
b. wtf is with this plot line anyway? Wouldn’t have been simpler to KILL them in the first place?

4. Some abused women want to stay with their abusive men because they’re in LURVE! And if you beat the holy shit out of the abusive man he’ll suddenly realize it’s bad and wrong to beat up on other people!

5. The psychokinetic fungus that’s perfectly capable of creating sentient beings is not an intelligent alien life form because this is a “only humans are intelligent” universe. Please ignore the Children with psychokinetic fungus in their DNA.

6. Why oh why do so many plots revolve around the enemy agents inciting licentious behavior? (Well okay, it was the one time, but still, once was enough)

7. The church is bad and burns witches/warlocks! The church is good, and only burns some witches/warlocks! The church has never burnt witches/warlocks, it was some other guy! Who’s standing right behind you, wait, that was just a shadow, there he is, no there!

8. Casual sex is okay! No it’s not, it’s bad and wrong!

9. The entire universe is Catholic! No, really!

10. Here and now, I’d like to call for a moratorium on Unspeakably Cute Acronyms. DDT? PEST? Oy.


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