People Say the Darndest Things

…I’m possibly missing something here, which isn’t too unusual. Someday someone will have to sit me down and explain why exactly people occasionally say the weirdest possible things to me. I have had people tell me that rats are apparently a larval stage of the bat. (Okay, actually they said that old rats turn into bats, but still.) I have had people claim vast psychic powers (who then failed to be able to read my mind, which is no surprise.) On occasion, I’ve suspected I give out a weird possibly supernatural vibe that inspires people to disturb me with things that make my head hurt.

  • Three different acquaintances who on three different occasions all claimed to be UFO abductees. (My general reaction to these claims is just to accept that this is what they think happened, and that something must have happened, even if it isn’t actually what actually happened.)
  • In grade school there was this very strange boy who would walk past me in the library and say in a B-horror movie voice, “now we must find a virgin sacrifice.” I thought this was funny at first, but then I felt it was kind of annoying/creepy. I tried to tell the school librarian about it, but since I didn’t know the boy’s name, and because what he said was so weird, I was not believed.
  • Several people at several stages of my life have made a peculiar joke about how I look at books on the bottom shelf of the book store or library. The most comfortable for me (and the one least likely to cause people to trip over me) is a kneeling position. The usual comment is that I’m “praying to the books.” The more bizarre comment is (said in a “spooky” whisper) “Giiirrrrll whooo praaaays to booooooks,” and if you tried to call them on it, they’d pretend they hadn’t said anything. The most recent time this happened was a few years ago at the library. My reaction to the sixty year old or so gentleman who did this was not pretty.
  • People who claim to see auras have variously said that I either have “no aura” or that it is “black.” (Actually I think the boy who said I have a black aura was just being a dick to me that day.)
  • People periodically calling my name and then when I ask them what they want, they say “nothing.” This has happened off and on all my life. One variation of this took place while I was working at a department store. There was a sales associate who’d say my name…with a groan, as if he were on the toilet. He only stopped when I pointed out that he sounded like he was constipated.
  • The person who thought that bats were actually rats who had grown wings? She was also a co-worker.
  • I once got into a truly pointless argument with a supervisor over whether salt…was a plant. (No, I’m not lying about this. He was absolutely certain that “grains of salt,” meant that salt was a plant, because “grain” was a plant. He was very proud of his stupidity.)
  • In high school, I knew a boy who told me that he was going to fulfill all the requirements for being a serial killer. (As in, he was going to assume all the personality traits of same. He had a list of “things in common” and everything.) I did not find this particularly threatening, oddly enough, and he sat next to me in one of my science classes.
  • In high school, another boy claimed that he was a) a super hacker who had been arrested by the FBI because of his l33t skillz. b) going to upload himself into a computer and Rule the World. I later disavowed knowing him years later because he also wore a trench coat (It was a very cool coat I wanted one just like it) and I sensed that my uncle was going to Say Something Stupid That He Thought Was Funny about Columbine. (This is occasionally an Important Ability to have.) Strangely enough my sister claimed that this person had entered the Air Force and had asked about me/wanted to talk to me. I explained to her that this was impossible as he wasn’t actually a friend, he was just someone who put up with me (This could be said about most of my friends in high school actually.)
  • Someone told me that the proof that God created Adam and Eve was because women have an extra rib. (Hint: No, no they don’t.) She also seemed to believe that biologists say that life came from a single cell. (Hint: again, no they don’t. Single celled organisms of various kinds evolved and became multiple celled organisms of various kinds. The fact there are still single celled organisms does not negate the concept of evolution/adaptation you ridiculous woman.)

 This is just the short list. I’ll leave out the women who claimed that your organs would fall out if you got a divorce (I don’t even know what that’s about, or even if I’d heard them correctly. Just, what the hell?) I’ll also leave out the people who have claimed to be possessed, or haunted, or the bastard grandchild of Elvis. I’d like to be able to say that having people say weird things to me has been an experience in  learning tolerance or something, but actually it’s been very creepy and occasionally annoying. (Though in a weird way, I’ve always been slightly envious, as when I  say weird or wrong things I always get corrected and treated like a moron.) The few cases where it hasn’t been either of those things tend to be few and far between.(And confined to a group of people I consider to be straightforward, honest people who aren’t trying to mess with my head for fun.)



Filed under not spalding gray, Ramble

3 responses to “People Say the Darndest Things

  1. But I did come from a single cell — it's called a fertilized egg cell. Geez, you'd think people who are probably all 'even fertilized egg cells have rights' would see how that could work. (Also, the whole 'if we evolved from X, why are there still X?' makes me want to bust out my grandmother was a surname C, and I'm a surname H, so why are there still surname C's around?)

  2. I could tell you a story about egg cells. For some reason a teacher (I think this was second grade) thought I was saying that women laid eggs like birds and babies hatched out of eggs.

  3. Someone once gave me a great counter-example for the people that say that Y couldn't have come from X because there are still X around. (where X=Single cell organisms and Y=Multi-cell, or X=monkeys and Y=humans, etc.)The original colonists who founded/created American came from England – but now that we're American, there are still English people.

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