Sekrit Rools: Orson Scott Card

Originally posted on live journal Mar. 3rd, 2006

The following is a parody for humor purposes only: it is not an in-depth analysis. For a definition of “Sekrit Rool” go here

In honor of Yonmei’s dissection of the Man in Question, Card’s sf/fantasy novels in a nutshell. (More specifically, these are the Sekrit Rools of Songmaster, Hart’s Hope, the first three books of the Alvin Maker series, The Ender’s Game books, and Wyrms I have varying degrees of liking for each of these series.)

1. There is a Speshul Boy (or girl, or monkey) who no one understands because he/she is Speshul.

2. There will be more Angst than the human mind can bear and remain sane, because of the Speshulness.

3.a. Kids will be capable of pre-meditated murder.
b. And the victim will Really Deserve It.
c. Except when the victim is simply there to show how Not Even Children Are Free of the Mark of Cain (OMG)

4. Someone is going to be horribly abused in some fashion–sometimes it’s the Speshul Kid, because no one knows the sun shines out of the Kid’s ass yet.

5. a. Females are incapable of violence or aggression for they are squishy.
b. Except when they aren’t.

6. The Speshul Kid will have Amazing Insights into The Human Condition–despite being alienated from humanity and his/her society.

7. There will be a child molestation. Or a rape. And then there will be Angst.

8. There will be a huge divide between Women and Men–as if they were two different species. To helpfully illustrate how Alien Women are to Men, there will be alien races where the (fertile) females are non-sentient, and other races where the males are non-sentient.

9. Certain Points will be pounded into your head with a sledge hammer. Most of these points will be some variation of Rule Eight.

10.a. When people find out the sun does in fact shine out the kid’s ass, they are Very Sorry.
b. Except when they aren’t, and they Deserve What’s Coming To Them. (which is usually death.)


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