Outline of ElfQuest 1-5 by Richard and Wendy Pini

This is an Outline, not a serious review or critique, meant for parody and humor purposes only.Other Outlines can be found here


Elfquest Archives Vol. 1ElfQuest is an old favorite. ElfQuest by Wendy and Richard Pini is a cult classic indie comic book series that spawned many spin off series, before kind of fizzling/stopping dead once it reached the more strongly science fiction oriented FutureQuest. This is for the first five issues, collected as Fire and Flight in the eighties or thereabout.

SHAMAN: I will provide exposition while torturing a poor wee elf!

WRITER/ARTIST: We will provide what really happened!

NEANDERTHALS: *Flash back.* Cavemen win. Kill puny astronauts!

HIGH ONES: *flash back* We will die a lot, and then run away!

12 YEAR OLD READER’S DAD: *to READER’S MOM* You bought her porn! THERE’S NAKED WOMEN.

READER: Dad, please learn the subtle difference between “naked” for cultural/social reasons, and “naked” for porntastic ones. Also, why are you so horrified by naked people and not horrified by graphic violence and torture? And the apparent hate for monotheistic religion?*Significant flash forward where tall sweet delicate astronauts elves are compared to short pissed off descendants!*

WOLFRIDERS: *rescue poor wee (fellow) elf!*

SHAMAN: I am too stupid to live! It would totes be a great idea to BURN OUR HOME DOWN to destroy the evil demonic menace of the elves!

SHAMAN’S TRIBE: We are obviously too stupid to kill a defective Shaman! BURN BABY BURN.

WOLFRIDERS: WTF?

SHAMAN: Bwah-hahahaha!

CLINT EASTWOOD STRONGBOW: *kills*

FIRE: Too late, suckers!*burninates!*

WOLFRIDERS: *Run like hell.* Trolls, you owe us big time, open up!

TROLLS: I won’t let you in, not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!

WOLFRIDERS: *Break and enter!*

PICKNOSE: *has a horrible name.* What do you people want? Go away!

WOLFRIDERS: *GRRRRR*

PICKNOSE: Er, right, just follow me to the throne room.*

GREYMUNG THE KING OF THE TROLLS: *Is grumpy because he has a horrible name.* What the hell are you people doing here?

WOLFRIDERS: Everything is made of burning death up there right now. We need shelter.*Significant acquiring of magnetized iron chip!*

GREYMUNG: ARGH! That’s an antique! GO AWAY.

CUTTER, BLOOD OF *EIGHT AND TWO CHIEFS: We have nowhere to go, we’ve traded with you for a while now, would being a little hospitable kill you?

GREYMUNG: Yes, yes it would. Here, I can sell you ocean front property in Oklahoma give you directions to a beautiful new forest home down the Tunnel of Golden Light!

CUTTER: *Is a rube* Wow, really?

GREYMUNG: Yes, really–Picknose will show you the way!*Tunnel of Golden Light leads to HORRIBLE DESERT WASTELAND*

WOLFRIDERS: AUGH

PICKNOSE: *Collapses tunnel!*

WOLFRIDERS: AUGH

CUTTER: Damn. We have no choice but to go forward. Onward!SKYWISE: Look, lets follow where this stone points!

WOLFRIDERS: *get sunburned, hot tired and thirsty….and Redlance is dying.**After a long journey they approach an oasis hidden in the mountains, and miraculously manage to find cactus that can be harvested for water on the first try. They also discover the Sun Folk.*

WOLFRIDERS: OMG, Brown Vulcans elves! We associate living in the sun and being dark brown with humans, so they are weird and not like us!

CUTTER: Pillage, for they are different from us, and the Trolls screwed us over!

WOLFRIDERS: YAY PILLAGE.

LEETAH: *teasing her boyfriend RAYEK!*

RAYEK: *flailing*

LEETAH: *giggling*

WOLFRIDERS: *Pillaging!*

SUN FOLK: OMG WTF?! *scatter*

LEETAH: *Frozen, sees approaching white boy on HUGE WOLF.* Bzuh-whut?

CUTTER: *sees brown girl with huge jar of water* Bzuh-whut?* PON FARR RECOGNITION.*

CUTTER: *steals girl, leaves water.*

RAYEK: WTF?

WOLFRIDERS: WTF?

LEETAH’S DAD: Halp, RAYEK, save my daughter!!

RAYEK: *Off to the rescue!

SKYWISE: *Best more than brother/boyfriend EVER. Except when he’s a dick * Um, you were supposed to grab the water, not the girl.

CUTTER: *Holding onto pissed off girl.* Shut. Up. *To SKYWISE, not LEETAH*

WOLFRIDERS: WTF?

CUTTER: She’s biting me!

SKYWISE: *Is a dick.* hit her!

ELF ALIEN DEMON THING FROM A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SERIES SET ON A WORLD WITH ONE MOON: …**Genai, is that you?

CUTTER: *Stares.* No!

SKYWISE: Then threaten her with something horrible if she doesn’t stop!

CUTTER: *Lame threat is lame.*

LEETAH: *SHRIEK*

RAYEK: Ah-hah! *charge!

WOLFRIDERS: *Over power!**Eventually Questions Are Asked, and LEETAH bosses the WOLFRIDERS into seeing her dad SUN- TOUCHER who is a non-stupid elf version of a Shaman.*

READER: *Will not point out the Human Mysticalness=dumb Elf Mysticalness=not dumb divide*

SUN-TOUCHER: *Confirms that WOLFRIDERS aren’t vicious, just really misunderstood.*

CUTTER: AUGH. We left REDLANCE behind! Halp! We need a healer.

LEETAH: I’m a healer!

RAYEK: NO YOU ARE NOT GOING WITH HIM, HE TRIED TO STEAL YOU!

LEETAH: YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!

RAYEK: I’M GOING WITH BECAUSE I DON’T TRUST THAT WOLF BOY!!

LEETAH: FINE.

RAYEK: FINE.

*LEETAH has massive powers of healing and REDLANCE is healed.*

WOLFRIDERS: YAY!

SUN-TOUCHER: And now you must meet our Mother of Memory! *Escorts them to see SAVAH*

WOLFRIDERS: O_O ARE YOU A HIGH ONE?

SAVAH: No, though I can see how you can make that mistake since the oldest one among you is a little boy compared to me. Welcome to Sorrow’s End!

TREESTUMP: *Flail.*

WOLFRIDERS: *get used to SORROW’S END*

SUN FOLK: *get used to the WOLFRIDERS*

LEETAH: *has no idea why she keeps watching CUTTER*

CUTTER: *PON FARR+sulking+RAYEK=pissy WOLF CHIEF.*

RAYEK: *LEETAH not paying much attention to him +STUPID WOLF CHIEF ARGH+brooding=pissy hunter*

CUTTER: LEETAH, we’ve RECOGNIZED, this is a Mate or Die situation here!

LEETAH: I don’t care! You suck!

CUTTER: ARGH!

RAYEK: Oh for–*koon-ut-kal-if-fee!*

CUTTER: Bzuh-whut?

SAVAH: *sacred nursery rhyme of exposition!* We’ll have a contest between RAYEK and CUTTER to see who gets to court LEETAH!*CUTTER wins first round! RAYEK is clever but CUTTER has a magnet for the second round, and CUTTER freaks out for the third round, then rescues RAYEK who is STUPID and CUTTER wins again.*

RAYEK: *Is not happy.*

LEETAH: *Is not happy.*

CUTTER: *flails and is still not getting any.**Exposition of Traumatic Even that causes LEETAH to feel sympathy for CUTTER!!*

CUTTER: *Still not getting any.*

STRONGBOW: *suggests just taking her.*

CUTTER: No! Where do you think we are, Gor?!

*HALP, Zwoot stampede!*

SUNFOLK: *Sigh, pack up their things and head for the caves.*

WOLFRIDERS: WTF?

CUTTER: Um, you’re just gonna let them wreck everything?

LEETAH: What would you suggest, a net?

CUTTER: Bzuh-whut? *Were you spying on us when we had our howl? Blink.* Nope, we can probably just head them off at the pass. *heads off.*

SUNFOLK: *Scold WOLFRIDERS into wearing headscarves*

LEETAH: *sends SKYWISE to CUTTER with her scarf, because he’s “hot headed enough as it is!”*

WOLFRIDERS: YAY! *Chase, hunt, kill! Lose scarves within ten minutes!*

SHENSHEN: *is Catty.*

LEETAH: *Criez*

SAVAH: *Grandmotherly several times removed advice.*

CUTTER AND SKYWISE: SAVAH, WE CAUGHT YOU A LITTLE ZWOOT, AREN’T WE AWESOME?!

SAVAH: *Grandmotherly chuckle* Yes, you are dear boys. *HYPNOTIZES LITTLE ZWOOT.*LITTLE ZWOOT: *Totally pwned.*

DEWSHINE and SCOUTER: *With GINORMOUS Zwoot they have captured gets second wind and commences with clobbering time.*

DEWSHINE: halp! *thump, falls and is about to be trampled.*

LEETAH: Meeeep! *Runs out to grab DEWSHINE and run run runs.*

STRONGBOW: *Shoots ZWOOT*ZWOOT: *Is ded*

LEETAH: *PISSED because DEWSHINE is thin and teeny and shouldn’t have been out there OMG.*

WOLFRIDERS: Meeep!

CUTTER: Halp?

LEETAH: GRRRRRRRRR *Stalks off to heal DEWSHINE.*

*Later.*CUTTER and LEETAH: *Talk.*

*Next Morning: Boot scene!*

*Epilog!*RAYEK: *About to head off*

SAVAH: *Astral form!* RAYEK, why don’t you try staying and getting to know CUTTER better? There’s nothing wrong with polyamory you know!

RAYEK: …Cutter is not my type. *Heads off*

READER: *whistles innocently and doesn’t look for RAYEK/CUTTER on the interwebs.**And there was a party, and there was fun, NOT the end.*


* Ten if you’re counting in eights, which elves do.
** Genai, from Chrono Crusade really had a way with the ladies.

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9 Comments

Filed under Outlined

9 responses to “Outline of ElfQuest 1-5 by Richard and Wendy Pini

  1. Haha! That's awesomely priceless!

  2. That was the best summary of Elf Quest I have ever read!!! Thanks for the entertaining read!

  3. Tom

    LITTLE ZWOOT: *Totally pwned.* LMFAO!!!

  4. that was AWESOME!!! DO MORE!!!!

  5. Tihihi that was fun…and surprisingly accurate

  6. bravo 🙂 love the *Will not point out the Human Mysticalness=dumb Elf Mysticalness=not dumb divide* part.

  7. hahaha You win the internet!

  8. @ everyone so far. Thanks! @ Anon 4…I'd hope it was accurate, I must have read these books a thousand times.@ Anon 3…I've done a few other Outlines, feel free to check them out!@ Arlene Thank you. It's bothered me/annoyed me a lot, particularly since it's a recurring theme that almost always pops up!@ Tom The gobsmacked look on that zwoot's face never fails to make me giggle.

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