Un-Valentine: “No, You Are NOT a Short Hyperactive Kleptomaniac!”

Note:This story is more or less true, though events have been conflated and condensed due to my having a very bad memory for exact dates and times. Also, I am very sarcastic about what happened. Those involved, particularly my parents and other relatives will claim that I made this up. Sadly, they are mistaken.


I have to say that this one was definitely my fault. I didn’t want to date him inthe first place, but I had allowed myself to be worn down by a combination of persistence and a mother slightly freaked out by my intense lack of interest indating. (I’d only been on one other date at the time, the experience was less than satisfactory.) As a result of my weakness I soon found myself with aproblem on my hands, one I had no idea of how to deal with.

The second person I had ever dated in my life was an irresponsible idiot.

He could not hold a job for any length of time. He was constantly in need of money. He was mostly supported by members of his family. I’m amazed he was actually able to graduate because he had the attention span of a gnat on speed,or as he put it, a kender.

For those of you who don’t have any experience with roleplaying games, or with Dungeons and Dragons, particularly the old Dragonlance setting; kender are the Dragonlance setting’s equivalent of hobbits halflings. They are extremely short, utterly fearless and intensely hyperactive. They also have a tendency to steal anything not nailed down, all the while protesting that th eobject in question had simply wandered into their pockets. (And a kender has a lot of pockets.)

I really should have taken this comparison a little more seriously. For convenience sake, we’ll call this person “the Kender.” He was not actually a thief–but he was at least a con artist.

Due to the Kender not being able to hold a job, he often needed money. Normally he would receive money from his parents, but he often needed more money than even they would give him. He asked me if he could borrow money from me, and of course, I said yes. I didn’t want the poor guy to starve or not be able to pay for gas, food or car repairs, and I knew that he needed to pay rent and had other expenses.

Sadly,I am something of a soft touch.

I was essentially paying for all of the dates, paying for his gas, paying forfood and just about everything else, leaving almost nothing for me. I have no idea of why the Kender thought that this was an okay thing to do. As near as Ican figure, I think that he decided that since I was living with my family at the time, that I didn’t need the money myself.

The Kender kept asking for money, and I kept giving him money until I found out the reason why he needed so much money was because he was not in fact buying food or gas or paying bills. What he was actually doing with the money was playing a card-trading game called Magic: The Gathering.

When I found out, I was deeply unhappy with him. Sadly, I was not unhappy enough to dump him, but I was very, very unhappy with him. The Kender’s excuse of course,was that he was a kender, and therefore couldn’t help himself. My response was roughly, “you are not a kender, you are a moron!”

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Filed under not spalding gray, Ramble

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