Reading Homestuck Part Twelve: ==> Dave: where MAKING THIS HAPEN

From here to here.

We get a good look at Bro’s room. Dave feels a lot of envy for his bro’s sweet gear! Of course, it’s the cool kind of envy where you do not actually care about all the sweet gear your brother has.Dave notices that one of his brother’s “expensive ninja swords” is missing. This can of course mean only one thing.

Dave is directed to take the other expensive ninja sword. However, in the next page, we see a black blur, and there is suddenly no sword for Dave to take. (Dave’s Bro is very, very fast.) Dave is directed to leave his brother’s room. Before he leaves he notices that there is a comic strip taped to the door. Said comic strip may be somewhat horrifying or extremely hilarious depending on how much you liked Muppet Babies when you were a kid. (Or, if you even watched it.) Dave appreciates his brother’s sense of irony, but he find the comic strip a little too ironic for him to comprehend so he rips the comic to shreds before leaving the room.

He heads into the kitchen which is filled with swords, sai and shuriken. There are also more of the disturbing “smuppets.” In addition, the sink is full of firecrackers. Bro is nowhere to be found. Dave is directed to transfer a katana to his strife specibus. Next, he’s told to set the blender on “mix.” When he does that, the puppet inside is reduced to fragments of plush and what looks like blood; Dave decides this is pretty gross.

It turns out that Bro had a web cam (which had been concealed in another puppet) directed on that puppet.

Dave is not sure how he feels about being an accessory to a puppet snuff film. He decapitates the web cam puppet, and the head lands in the blender. Then he is directed to take the “Buster” sword out from behind the microwave. Dave however feels that the Buster sword is even crappier than the sword he is already wielding, so he puts it back behind the microwave. The next direction is to set the blender on “crush ice.” This fails to crush the puppet head, which just bounces around inside while bits of puppet come flying out of the uncovered blender. He’s directed to hide the evidence in the microwave. Unfortunately, it turns out that Bro keeps a whole lot of smuppets in the microwave.

Next, Dave is directed to take the fireworks, and then the shuriken. This almost causes an explosive mess because the fireworks pop right back out. He’s able to get the fireworks captchalogued again without much fuss. Next, he’s told to get the nunchaku…which promptly causes the fireworks to be ejected again. There is some more rearrangements and a nearly fatal shuriken expulsion that Dave is able to dodge. He is directed to eject the items from his sylladex, an idea he definitely doesn’t want to invite, let alone entertain.

He’s next directed to change the way his sylladex sorts things, but in order to do that, he’d have to remove all the items he just spent a ridiculous amount of time storing. The next direction is to check the box that says, “detect collisions.” Then he is directed to take the skateboard. Sitting on the skateboard is yet another smuppet. Dave thinks if he sees another one, he might just fly off the handle. He cuts off the smuppet’s nose and the smuppet ends up in the sink. Dave attempts to captchalogue the skateboard but discovers that “skateboard” will cause another ejection if he uses it. Instead, he used the phrase “wheeled ride.”

The next direction is to take the unplugged power cord. Unfortunately, it looks as if the power cord will not fit. While he’s fiddling with the power cord we see a silhouette appear and then disappear. This is Dave’s Bro, who leaves Lil Cal sitting on the stove just behind Dave. Dave jumps a couple feet in the air when he catches site of Cal. The next direction is for Dave to go look for snacks.

Guess what’s in the refrigerator?

No, not puppets.

Bro apparently keeps shitty swords in the refrigerator, all of which come tumbling out when Dave opens the door. Dave is directed to take the swords. Though he doesn’t think it will work, he captchalogues them as a JUMBLE OF UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY SWORDS. This actually works, much to Dave’s surprise. The next direction is to use the ice maker. There is no ice in the ice maker. There are cherry bombs in the icemaker.

(It is very interesting to go back and re-read something after you’re updated to the canon, especially with Homestuck, where you end up getting new angles on your various speculations all the time. I am not going to bother explaining what I mean by this, as that would probably involve spoilers.)

He sees Lil Cal’s reflection in the refrigerator door. When he turns, Lil Cal is nowhere in sight. Dave is rather alarmed by this. When Lil Cal reappears, he is now sitting on top of the refrigerator. (The narrative is phrased in such a way as to suggest that to Dave, Lil Cal is in some sense a living person, a living person who creeps him out. It’s okay Dave, we all think that Lil Cal is a little creepy.)

Dave is directed to captchalogue more objects, and then he is told to turn on the garbage disposal. From there, he’s told to stuff the purple smuppet down the drain. They must have the world’s best garbage disposal, because the smuppet appears to go down without too much of a fight. Then he dumps the contents of the blender into the garbage disposal. The only thing that doesn’t go down is the puppet head with the web cam in it.

He’s next directed to look up. We see a crawlspace hatch. There is a drippy red puzzle piece drawn on the hatch. In the middle are the words HELLO DAVE. Dave is next directed to make a fort with turntables and cinderblocks. Dave does so, because this is the only way he can reach the cord of the hatch.

Guess what happens.

Go on. I’ll give you a few minutes.

Dave gets buried under a pile of smuppets.

He immediately pesters Rose, wanting to know why he’s getting the game for Rose. He is basically flipping out because of the smuppocalypse that has just occurred. Poor, poor Dave. This is the same conversation that was related here. After the conversation, Dave reads a note that was pinned to the hatch with a batarang. The note reads:


roof. now.

bring cal.

where doing this man.


Part Eleven | Part Thirteen


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Filed under apocalyptic, ep synopsis, homestuck, Reading, science fiction, web comic

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