Reading Homestuck Part Twenty Four: The Intermission Where Everyone is Gangsters Pt. 1!

 From here to here

You have now made it to the Intermission. Do not however get up to stretch your legs or visit the concession stand or restroom. They are not going to be playing Woody Woodpecker cartoons at this drive in. What’s going on in this intermission will be just as important as everything else that has happened up to and including the weird chess piece apocalypse survivors!

What we have here is that one Star Trek episode where everyone is gangsters! Meet Spades Slick, the leader of a notorious gang called the Midnight Crew. The Crew’s sworn enemy is The Felt, led by the mysterious and undoubtedly dangerous Lord English. We begin the story just as Spades Slick and his confederates Hearts Boxcars, Clubs Deuce and Diamond’s Droog have broken into Lord English’s mansion, the goal being to locate and crack his secret vault. (Also, note that these folks appear to be of the same basic appearance as our apocalyptic survivors.)

We learn that the Midnight Crew have distaste for clocks, while the Felt have an obsession for them. Spades is directed to do various things that Spades is not inclined to cooperate with. (He’s directed to build a fort out of the clocks, but he would prefer to burn them and so on.) He finds a picture of Jeff Foxworthy. (Note that Spades Slick has never seen a human before. Yes, this is somewhat important.)

Next Spades Slick goes into his war chest. Inside we see a Bing Crosby laptop, a variety of weapons and a few other odds and ends the on the go gangster can’t do without. Spades is directed to scavenge the chest for fancy headware. Slick however deplores fancy headdresses. What he has instead is a serviceable hat identical to the one he’s wearing. We also learn that Spades likes little licorice scotty dogs. He’s also directed to hide in the war chest, but this is not physically possible.

The next direction is for him to go to mspaintadventures where we see the end of Homestuck Act Three. Spades Slick does not care for this web comic at all! He’s told to delete the time setting on the Crosbytop. Spade does this by stabbing the Crosbytop monitor. The next direction is to “take the spade key” so Spades takes out a card with the rules for blackjack on it. Next, he examines his vendetta itinerary. This is a collection of mugshots. The Felt are a very bright green but otherwise seem to be the same species as Spades Slick. Their general theme seems to be pool or billiard (they are wearing bowlers decorated to look like billiard balls) and they possess the ability to commit “time shenanigans.”

There is one mugshot missing from the collection. This is for the eighth member of the Felt, Snowman. This particular picture Spades keeps with him. It should also be noted that Snowman is the only member of the felt Spades does not want to kill. We also get a look at Spades’ heist map, which has a very convoluted battle plan that seems to involve everyone splitting up.

Spades is next directed to enter the hallway near the main entrance. There he sees a scene of carnage that is extremely mysterious since he hadn’t heard anything like a battle. He gets a call from Clubs Deuce who says he has captured a Felt member named Doze. Spades is not at all surprised by this. Spades is next told to be Hearts Boxcars.

But instead of Hearts Boxcars, Spades has become Clubs Deuce. Clubs is directed to rough up his prisoner, so Deuce “drubs” the prisoner with his Crook of Felony.  Doze’s time ability is to slow down time, so Deuce’s drubbing does not do very much good. Clubs is then directed to punch clocks in the face to establish a chronology. Deuce however, sees no reason to do this. Deuce is directed to do some silly things, but doesn’t seem interested. While this is going on, another member of the Felt is whizzing by.

(For some reason, the continuing tag line is that the crew members both have decks of cards and do not have decks of cards. Also, Deuce does not have a Warchest. He has a Battledrobe.)

The mysterious Felt member in the yellow hat is named Itchy. Itchy frees Doze and switches everyone’s hats. Doze makes his get away, and the chase is on!

Then we are back to Spades Slick, who also encounters one of the Felt. This person is whizzing around the room very quickly, and switches out Spades hat for a smaller one. Spades defeats the speedster by tripping him up. After some more ridiculous requests, Spades is told to be Diamonds Droog. Instead, we go back to Clubs Deuce. Deuce is directed to do various things, and Deuce is either not able to do them, or does something that was not directed instead. (Note: Pay attention to the line where Spades feels that the Felt should show him more respect since he had made the town what it was.)

We learn three things here. First, that the unseen person giving directions is not able to affect point of view changes very well, or actually give many directions that the Midnight Crew are willing or able to follow. (They may not even be able to see anything. One of the directions for Deuce is for him to pick up the deuce of clubs, but there is no deuce of clubs card.) Second, we learn that the Felt time travel powers have something wrong with them. (As an example, we have Doze, who can slow time…and moves very slowly as a result.) Third, we learn that Deuce has short term memory with more holes than a colander.   

Deuce is directed to pick up and throw all the cards at Doze. He does this, but not very much happens. We learn that Deuce is embarrassed that he reads a magazine called Black Inches. The unseen director tries to get Deuce to believe he is Hearts Boxcars, but instead he becomes Diamonds Droog. Diamonds Droog seems to have memory problems as well. His weapon storage unit is referred to as a Brawlsoleum. 

Droog is next told to retrieve his back up hat.

 

Part Twenty Three | Part Twenty Five

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Filed under fantasy elements, homestuck, Reading, science fiction, web comic

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