I used to have an extreme distaste for second person. It was pretty much my least favorite viewpoint because it was weird and extremely confusing to me. This is probably because I have not encountered very many books written in second person. (I’ve only encountered two. The first is Hart’s Hope by Orson Scott Card and the second is The Broken Goddess by Hans Bemmann.) Thanks to Homestuck and it’s extremely snarky second person narrative, I have mostly overcome my dislike for second person.
Next, we see Fin at some point in time during the past. Fin’s ability is to follow someone’s future trail, which is shown as a vague intestinal orange cable stretching from various points in time. He decides to follow Clubs Deuce. Fin has no clue of what the Midnight Crew is up too, but he can see that the future timelines of all of them cut off abruptly at some point. The next command is for Clubs to follow the red-blood road. We’re still on Fin’s point of view however, and Fin decides to take out Clubs. Fin is not actually able to do this because he is dizzy and Clubs is wearing C4 on his head.
The next command is for Hearts Boxcars to waste exactly four hours on this tomfoolery. Hearts lets us all know that HE REALLY HATES TIME TRAVEL. This is due to the multiple instances of Felt members Biscuits and Eggs. While Hearts is busy with these clowns who can’t even manage a stable timeloop, Felt member 4, Clover appears. The narrative informs us that Clover might have been potentially helpful at the cost of solving a time riddle. We also learn that Boxcars might have been able to get the help of Crowbar, if Crowbar weren’t dead. Clover seems to think Boxcar’s situation is pretty funny.
Next up is a Felt member named Stitch who is the Felt’s tailor. He is extremely unhappy about the current condition of Lord English’s Cairo overcoat. This is because the antics of Biscuit and Eggs are causing the spacetime fabric English’s coat is composed of to rip. We also discover that Lord English has two Cairo overcoats, and he always leaves one with Stitch.
Meanwhile, Hearts calls Spades Slick for back up. He is extremely ticked off that Deuce has not shown up yet. Spades says that he’s heading for Heart’s current location and he’s bringing Diamonds Droog with him. This results in a few more calls and the Midnight Crew seemingly getting their act together.
Then we switch back to Stitch. Fin stumbles in, still leaking blood. He warns Stitch that Clubs Deuce is following him. We learn that the Felt members each have a corresponding life sized effigy that is hung by the neck in Stitch’s work room. Stitch is also the team doctor, and he is apparently able to heal injuries by mending the effigies. (We also see that a number of effigies have been destroyed beyond repair.) Stitch gets ready to repair Fin’s effigy but Fin bleeds out and dies before Stitch can do anything. Eight of fifteen green torsos are dead. Then Clubs Deuce enters the room.
The following line is too good to pass up: Everybody out of the god damn way. You got a hat full of bomb, a fist full of penis, and a head full of empty.Unfortunately for Clubs, the hat full of bomb is not as much of a threat as he thinks it was. C4 is a “stable explosive” which does not detonate if you shoot it. Unfortunately for Stitch, while he has the drop on Clubs, Diamonds Droog has the drop on him. Droog imprisons Stitch in his Brawlsoleum.
The next command is for Hearts to prod idiots with Red Cheeks. This accomplishes nothing except more future iterations who have stolen Hearts magazine. Meanwhile, Spades is directed to remove Crowbar’s pin from the doll. This causes Spades Slick to disappear. He reappears in the middle of a firefight between the Felt and the Midnight Crew. He is next directed to remove and then replace Snowman’s pin. This is not something Spades is willing or able to do, since he is not crazy. (Spades actual state of mental health is actually somewhat questionable.) The next command is an [S] command. The firefight ends with the appearance of Snowman, who is a very fatal femme. She tells Slick to “hold still” because he has something in his eye. Then she puts his eye out with her cigarette holder. We learn that the firefight immediately stopped when Snowman appeared because if you kill her, you destroy the universe.
More shenanigans occur, and it turns out that the cigarette holder can turn into a lance. The fight continues with Spades bringing knives and other sharp objects to the gunfight. Then he ends up in the past, in the weird pastel desert of this world. We discover that at one point in the distant past, Spades Slick was a post-apocalyptic survivor of the Scurrilous Straggler persuasion. Spades wins the fight in past and returns to the time he just left, where the firefight did not occur because Spades kidnapped the Felt members who would be attending it. (Temporal shenanigans are confusing.) Then he heads back to his starting timeline.
Then there are still more time shenanigans and feeble attempts at witty one-liners. Stitch gets coerced into repairing Spades Slick’s eye though there is an additional run around because Stitch sews up the wrong eye the first time around. Spades is directed to arm himself in case Cans turns up, though none of the weapons Slick has will be effective against him. Next, Spades is directed to using his hitching post as a hobby horse and pretend he is jousting with the lance. For some reason, Spades actually complies with this.
Then Snowman shows up. She sees him horsing around and Spades is deeply embarrassed.
Diamonds Droog is directed to blast away at Biscuits and Eggs effigies. Droog declines this direction because Stitches keeps their effigies in a warehouse in another part of town. Instead, he opts to shoot them in person. This does not work very well, and the end result many more iterations of Biscuits and Eggs, some of whom are wearing iterations of Heart’s hat. Next, Spades charges in, impaling Stitch. (The narrative declares that this is incredibly delirious biznasty.)
Spades is next directed to start whacking things with the crowbar.