Reading Homestuck Part Twenty Seven: The Intermission Where Everyone is Gangsters Pt. 4!

 From here to here.

 Spades starts off with whacking Eggs’ Egg Timer, smashing it completely. Crowbar’s crowbar has the ability to destroy a temporal artifact and negate its effect on the timeline. This means that there are no longer multiple iterations of Biscuits and Eggs running amok. Hearts Boxcars is directed to attempt to eat Eggs. His attempt is an overwhelming success, and as a result, Biscuits is extremely apprehensive.

Biscuits beats a fast retreat into his time traveling stove. Spades Slick is directed to use the crowbar and “Make it hapen.” Spades flogs the oven with the crowbar but not much happens since the oven does not actually have any magical time travel powers. All it does is travel into the future one minute per minute, just like everyone else. Clubs Deuce is directed to put dynamite into the oven. Clubs puts the bomb into the oven after having set it to go off in a few seconds. (The bomb will go off a few seconds after Biscuits emerges from the oven a few hours later. Whatever temporal shenanigans are actually involved with the oven, time travel is not it.) Then he’s directed to turn up the heat. Clubs however is pretty sure that the oven doesn’t work at all, so he simply carts it off where it can explode in peace.

We then see the explosion taking place in the future. Twelve of fifteen green torsos have been destroyed.

Next, Spades Slick is directed to use the crowbar to open the safe. This causes Clover to be extremely upset! Clover feels that it would be extremely bad luck if Spades broke the safe open. Spades is directed to tell Clover to remain calm (politely). Clover however continues to have hysterics. Diamonds Droog is directed to ask for Clover the ultimate riddle. Instead, Droog ask Clover to open the safe (at gunpoint). Clover however does not think that the gun is sufficient motivation on account of Clover being so incredibly lucky. Droog opts to beat Clover with a newspaper instead, since you do not need to be unlucky to be hit by a newspaper.

The newspaper conceals Droogs sordid literature, a periodical called “Gray Ladies.” Clover gets an eyeful of this shameful rag as the building begins to shake. This is most likely Cans, about to burst through a wall Kool-Aid Man style. (Everyone hopes that it is not Cans, though.) Unfortunately, it is Cans. Droog is directed to resist the urge to shout “Oh Yeah!” Cans clocks Droog into next week, where Droog is apparently doing a little grocery shopping.

Meanwhile, Hearts Boxcars flails Eggs torso at Cans in hopes of placating him with the red meat. Cans is not placated. Instead, he knocks Hearts into a completely different, outdated calendar.  It’s a spirited horse themed calendar, which means Hearts will be having to take care of all these spirited horses.

Spades is directed to ignore Cans and just open the safe with the crowbar. Opening the safe sends Spades to a very unfavorable timeline. The mansion has been leveled and everyone is dead except for Spades and “you know who.”  1000 of 1000 clocks have been destroyed, 14 of 15 green torsos have been destroyed and three of four black scofflaws have been offed. Spades is directed to open the vault. There is nothing inside except for a door set in the floor. The door is marked with a black spade.

Spades is directed to dramatically wield the spade key. He’s directed to peer into the key hole, because the key hole is actually a barcode reader. He does not want to be blinded in one eye by the lasers! The next direction is to use the rules card for black jack, which has a barcode on it. (He also has a barcode on his wrist, but redundancy is a good thing.) He is about to use the card, when someone shoots a hole through it. And by someone, I actually mean Snowman.

Slick charges at Snowman, intending mayhem, but Snowman’s whip Black Inches takes off Slick’s arm at the shoulder. Then she disappears, slamming the vault’s door shut. Spades Slick is directed to flip his sprite and then scan the barcode. This opens a secret passage with handholds. This arrangement is very similar to the various bunkers and contraptions used by the previous set of post-apocalyptic survivors.

In fact, it is exactly like those various bunkers because Spades Slick reaches a very familiar looking set of monitors. Only instead of four monitors, we have twelve. Only one of the monitors is on, and we see a small gray being with horns and some kind of huge crab monster. Spades recognizes the small gray being, and apparently has had contact with him in the past. Spades types, “hey kid.” The next page gives us a close up of the kid, who appears to be in a situation similar to the one John and his friends had found themselves in. In other words, this kid is playing a different session of Sburb with presumably, eleven of his friends. The next page is a more stick-figure version of the same page with the caption: It begins to dawn on you that everything you are about to do may prove to be a colossal waste of time.

This is the end of the intermission.

Next is the Act Four opening; John goes through the first gate and arrives in the Land of Wind and Shade. There is a game where you can wander around clobbering monsters and getting information about the Land of Wind of Shade from the locals, who are bubble spitting yellow salamanders referred to as “consorts.” The weird monsters are referred to as “agents.” There is also a dangerous entity known as “the Slumbering One,” that is the cause of this land’s current woes. Alas, I cannot give you a detailed list of instructions for what to do about this game as I am really, really terrible at these games, and the first time I read this I just skipped past it.  

Part Twenty Six | Part Twenty Eight

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Filed under fantasy elements, homestuck, Reading, web comic

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