Reading Homestuck Part Thirty Eight : ==> John: Become an ectobiolobabysitter!

From here to here.

John sees that the device in the lab has been recently calibrated. (Mutie is also present.) John is directed to examine the monitor. The monitor is showing his old neighborhood, and a large red Betty Crocker factory. The date is a few months before John was born. (December 1st, 1995) He zooms in and sees a gentleman walking with his elderly mother. A target has been locked over the old woman. We get a slight change of angle and see that a meteor is heading straight for the building. It destroys the building, and John is directed to press the blue button.

This creates a Paradox Ghost Imprint of the elderly woman whom John realizes is his grandmother. The slime is sucked into a nearby container. The next direction is “switch four.” This monitor displays an image of a distant island in the Pacific on the date of December 3rd, 1995. (It is of course Jade’s island.) John is directed to zoom in. He sees an elderly billionaire on a yacht, and an adorable toddler. This monitor is also locked and there is also a target on the elderly billionaire.

We see another meteor streaking toward “an unseasonably warm city in the central United States.” John is directed to press the blue button again! This of course creates a Paradox Imprint of the elderly gentleman. (This elderly gentleman is also the elderly gentleman who absconded with John’s book. The old fellow certainly gets around, doesn’t he?)

John switches to the monitor with an image of the unseasonably warm city on December 4th, 1995. Zooming in reveals an outrageously awesome dude standing near the crater where his favorite record store once stood. The screen is locked, and there is a target centered on the cool dude. The cool dude (who is Bro) has a pair of tiny sunglasses.

Meanwhile, another meteor is streaking overhead. It is headed toward a lake near a laboratory on the eastern side of the United States. We are informed that no aquatic life will survive the strike. John presses the blue button and we have an outrageously awesome Paradox Ghost of the outrageously awesome dude.

We next go back to the monitor showing John’s old neighborhood. This time the focus is on a shopping mall that John does not remember ever being there. We see two adults, one the gentleman from earlier and the other a lady accompanied by her infant daughter. We are informed that the lady is observing astronomical anomalies at the behest of an elderly scientist. She sees one such anomaly approaching the quaint joke shop, which is owned by John’s grandmother!

And by Anomaly, I mean meteor.

The meteor collides with the junk shop. The gentleman has lost his mother, but gained a son.

Meanwhile, the target is still locked on the lady, and we get another Paradox Ghost.

Once the jars are filled, and automated sequence begins!

The sequence begets four paradox clones. John is informed there is one more button to push, but this is accomplished by John’s assistant, Dr. Meowgon.

Two pairs of tubes are combined, and another sequence is engaged which results in four more ecto clones. John reaches a new stage on his echeladder. He is now an ectobiolobabysitter! He now has over one million boondollars, which he exchanges for a boonbuck. (Which breaks the bank.)

While this is going on, the old man who stole John’s book, and is apparently also a billionaire scientist is navigating through the veil. He has a busy schedule that includes dying and being taxidermied by his daughter/granddaughter, but right now he has to perform and important job: shipping two passengers long overdue for a reunion…John’s Dad and Rose’s Mom.

It turns out that John’s Dad kept the scarf that Rose’s mom had dropped that day. It also seems that they are very taken with each other. (Or so we can infer by the dramatic staging.)

Next, CG trolls John. CG is of course arguing about a conversation that has probably not yet occurred. John seems to be very amused by this conversation and speculates about whether they are approaching the point where CG trolls John harder. CG flails around a lot and lets John know that the kids he just created are in fact himself, his friends and their guardians.He also gives John some important worldbuilding information and background about the game and the “ultimate riddle.” We also learn that John’s game session is a “null” session. CG opines that the situation would be hilarious if it didn’t affect him personally. (More clues that the kids session somehow borked the troll session.)

John trolls CG a little about human procreation, and since the babies are getting a little rowdy, he asks if CG would contact him at a later point in a more linear fashion. Somewhat befuddled, CG agrees to this. John also suggests that at a later point, CG call to troll John about his rocket pack (which means John is asking CG to troll himself in the past). A few minutes later CG pesters John again. John and CG do a little trash talking and John gets more information about how the clone babies will end up in the past and eventually become them. They also discuss “dares” which CG declares is not even a word that exists among his kind. (He does however state they are extremely stupid and childish.) CG also imparts some very important information about an event that is shortly due to occur called the Reckoning, which will destroy everything and disperse the various ecto clones to the points in time they need to be in. After exchanging some more insults about Superman, John gets an agreement from CG to pester him again, after which CG commits a facepalm x 2 combo!

The next command is for AR to shred. He does this until he comes across a completely illegal frog temple located on one of the asteroids in the asteroid belt he’s been shredding in. AR investigates the completely illegal frog temple! He finds a monitor which is showing a tiny baby girl in a very fancy house. The date the monitor is showing is April 21, 1910. The child has been recently adopted by an aristocratic southern colonel and humorist. The child arrived mysteriously via meteor, which crashed into a bakery owned by the southern aristocrat’s wife.

The next scene depicts the arrival of a second meteor which has crashed into the dog house of Haley, the colonel’s beloved dog. The colonel is accidentally killed by a second child, a little boy wielding pistols! (Special note: Colonel Sassacre is identified with Mark Twain.) Babies simply should not be allowed to dual wield flintlock pistols. It just isn’t safe! The dog makes an appearance, and has a target locked on him.

AR is directed to fast forward.

Thirteen years later, the boy departs with his dog, leaving his sister behind with the wicked bakery baroness.

Next, AR hides when he hears someone coming. It is a high ranking agent of his own kingdom! AR observes that the agent is carrying two notebooks and two juice stained envelopes. The envelopes end up in the seed and one of the notebooks is discarded. Then the agent approaches the monitor with one of the journals.

Next, CG trolls John in a sane and linear manner!

Part Thirty Seven | Part Thirty Nine


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Filed under apocalyptic, homestuck, Reading, science fiction, web comic

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