So on Wednesday I had a complete meltdown, the details of which I’ve gone into elsewhere. After getting on the phone with my therapist, we determined that I should go to Community Bridges which is a behavior health center that mostly connects clients to programs that can help them. At Community Bridges I got re-evaluated by Magellan (which handles behavioral health clients) got an intake assessment done and had a lot of group therapy. (I was one of the few people who were not there for drug rehab. I felt so left out.) I also got a new prescription that dad was able to fill for me.
My dad said it was okay to come home, but my mom said that I needed to get with my caseworker and find a new place to live. (Spoiler: I do not have a caseworker. If I had a caseworker I would already be moved out, duh.) I called Community Bridges back, but they said that it was too soon for them to pick me up again. I was given a bunch of numbers that turned out to be for rehab halfway houses…and I am not in rehab because I am not alcoholic or a drug addict.
I do have some numbers for the Navigator program I signed up for. Somewhere I have the Magellan customer service number so I can call about my SMI status. I am still not on AHCCCS (state health insurance for people who can’t afford insurance), and while I was at Community Bridges I got a phone call from the Disability people wanting additional information.
Let’s back up a little. I have had problems with anxiety (constantly worrying about everything that might possibly go wrong in the most horrible ways possible) and depression (mostly feeling as though nothing I did mattered and not being able to do anything because it was useless to even try) and a learning disability that occasionally makes understanding something extremely difficult. (When I was in gradeschool, I would throw full on temper tantrums because I could not understand what I was being taught and was unable to actually articulate what it was I didn’t understand.)
In April, I attempted to kill myself. A friend persuaded me to induce vomiting and then I called Magellan and was evaluated for SMI (serious mental illness). After a few weeks I was told that I did not qualify as SMI but was given information to get counseling. Counseling for which I did not have money, so I ended up waiting. Then I was able to get a job! A job that lasted only a few months because I was not able to keep up with the work pace and I was barely able to walk at the end of the day. This job led to another meltdown that resulted in a hospital visit and a trip to Crisis Prevention. From there I was referred to Family Service Agency where I was able to get a therapist, which I was still able to pay for on a sliding scale. Then I lost the job!
After some therapy sessions that were more or less helpful, I decided to try applying for disability, which has been somewhat troublesome for me since it takes a long time and its impossible to get a hold of anyone. I was also able to get into a health services discount program. (Which only lasted until November.) I attempted to make use of Workforce Connections, but the lady doing the interviews for their job-search course decided I that because I was having anxiety problems just talking to her, that she should refer me to their vocational rehab person who couldn’t help me because I didn’t have a doctors note saying I was ready to go back to work. This caused a full on meltdown because I had been waiting a long time to get the damned appointment to go to the seminar.
After a few more months, I reached the point where I could no longer afford counseling. This led to my second suicide attempt in October which involved taking an entire bottle of sleeping pills. I went to the clinic the next day to pick up a prescription and also mentioned that I had overdosed on sleeping pills. The clinic sent me to an emergency room and the emergency room sent me to Community Bridges where they helped me sign up for AHCCCS. I eventually went home, though it was suggested I stay in the clinic for a few days. I received a denial of assistance from AHCCCS but also received some paperwork from their disability department to fill out.
I also ended up talking to a lot of debt collection people and filling out paperwork for them.
Now I’m trying to figure out what the hell to do with myself.